How's your grief pendulum? Are you sitting in the calmness of regulation or riding a storm of profound dysregulation? Are your emotions tangled, swinging you backwards and forwards so that you're unsure of how you feel? Grief can do this, and the act of grieving is an intimate journey.
There have been many theories over the years about grief, sometimes with opposing views on how one should think, feel and act. However, one true fact remains: the experience of grief is as unique as each individual who walks that tender path. When we encounter profound loss – whether a loved one, a life altering transition, or any seismic shift in our world, we each experience the grieving process in our own highly individualised way. It touches us at the core of our humanity, reverberating through every fibre of our social, emotional, physical and cognitive being.
We honour that there is no "right" way to grieve. As Joan Didion articulated, "Grief turns out to be a place none of us know until we reach it." While the outer world may seem to move on, we validate the need for a true inner journey at one's own pace before restructuring a "new normal." At Trusting Connections, in our tranquil surroundings, we hold space, along with our equine partners, so complex, evolving feelings can surface and be felt, heard, and integrated over time.
At Trusting Connections, we recognise that grief does not adhere to a predictable timeline or progression. Like "the ocean, ebbing and flowing," to use Vicki Harrison's poetic words, grief comes in waves, sometimes calm, sometimes overwhelming, sometimes swinging that internal pendulum in what seems a never ending sweep backwards and forwards. Children's (just like adults) emotions can erupt suddenly, as if opening an unexpected door, to be flooded by their intensity. Eruptions such as these can be set off by triggers and come from anywhere and at any time. So while we must be mindful and help our children to bring awareness to these emotive waves, we must also watch for the glimmers that can also be behind those doors – glimmers of calmness, regulation, joy, connection with others, and hope for the future.
We may never "get over it," but the felt effects of the loss can lessen over time as the brain and whole system adjust to accommodate the new landscape we find ourselves navigating. No one can dictate how or what to do, but know that you are allowed to feel the valleys of sorrow, anger, guilt, fear, loneliness, and even joy. Honour your body's unique process as it heals and restores hope into your life, so that you can once again feel connection, love, and joy in your world.
At Trusting Connections, our blended, trauma-informed approach tends to the interwoven aspects of brain, body, and spirit during bereavement. We explore how our nervous systems respond and use somatic techniques to release tension and make space for embodied healing by compassionately guiding that process. In our small and intimate support groups, we nurture interpersonal healing through the power of shared experience and connection, where people find resonance in others' stories and resilience in bearing collective witness.
Grief shapes us, but it need not shatter us. As Helen Keller offered, "What we once enjoyed and deeply loved we can never lose, for all that we love deeply becomes a part of us.” We don't have to fear that one day we will forget; our loved ones will always be carried in the heart. Please have kindness and self-compassion for your swinging pendulum, as it pendulates between the loss and restoration processes, helping you to heal.
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